Why You Keep Dating the Same Type of Person (and How to Finally Break the Cycle)
Have you ever felt like you’re in the Relationship Twilight Zone? Different people, same results? You meet someone new, and at first, they seem great—maybe even perfect. You think, “This time, it’s going to be different!” But a few months in, the patterns start emerging: the love bombing, the people-pleasing, the tiptoeing around topics. How do we keep ending up with the same type of person, even when we swear we’d see the red flags next time?
The surprising answer lies in taking a look inward. And no, I’m not saying it’s your fault! But getting clear on who you are, what you want, and what you need to feel safe and valued will help you break free from these cycles. When you have clarity, it’s like putting on glasses—suddenly, the things you missed in the past are in plain sight. Let’s dive into how that works and why it’s more powerful than a hundred “aha!” moments from your last breakup.
Red Flags, Buzzwords, and the Illusion of Growth
We live in a world full of “therapy talk.” I get it—phrases like “I’m working on myself,” or “my attachment style is X, so that’s why I do Y” sound like growth. But these phrases don’t always tell the whole story. You know the type, right? They’ve done so much work on themselves… but somehow still manage to make every conflict about how you hurt them, while taking zero responsibility themselves. They talk about “toxic positivity” and how they’re “feeling their feelings,” but when it’s time for a genuine heart-to-heart, you find yourself tiptoeing around their defensiveness.
Or maybe it’s the ones who “speak their truth” in a way that feels more like an excuse to let loose on you rather than an invitation to connect. Buzzwords aren’t bad, but without real self-work, they’re like shiny objects—distracting and a bit hollow. Real growth can’t be faked, and once you’ve done the deep, sometimes messy work yourself, these buzzwords will lose their sparkly appeal. They’ll feel like empty promises, and that gut feeling that says, “something is off here” will become hard to ignore.
Feeling Your Feelings (Instead of Just Talking About Them)
This is a big one. Talking about how you feel—saying “I’m so mad!” for example—is not the same as feeling it. Real self-awareness means looking under that anger. Maybe you’re not just mad; maybe you’re scared, or sad, or afraid of being vulnerable.
If you take a few deep breaths and tune in, you might notice a tightness in your chest or tension in your jaw. Those physical signs point to what’s really going on. And, yes, that can be a little scary! But when we can sit with those feelings instead of glossing over them, we’re able to connect more deeply with ourselves—and with others.
The “Same Type” Trap: Why We Fall for It Over and Over
Understanding yourself doesn’t just help you feel better—it teaches you how to avoid repeating painful relationship patterns. When you know what you need to feel safe, valued, and respected, you’re able to spot partners who are unwilling (or unable) to provide it. You’ll know the difference between someone who talks about boundaries and someone who actually has them. And you’ll be able to tell when someone’s “personal growth” is mostly just talk.
Before you know it, the shiny newness of someone’s therapy talk won’t fool you because you’ll recognize what real self-awareness looks and feels like.
Break the Cycle: From Self-Discovery to Healthy Relationships
Take a moment to ask yourself: Have you been down this path before? Do the same frustrations keep showing up, no matter who you’re with? What might change if, instead of looking for the perfect partner, you focused on becoming so grounded in yourself that no one’s buzzwords or promises could sway you?
Breaking this cycle isn’t about building walls—it’s about setting boundaries, finding what you need, and understanding what it feels like to connect authentically. And that’s where the real transformation happens. With enough work, patience, and maybe some guidance (okay, yes, a good coach, like me, can help!), you’ll be better equipped to spot a real, healthy connection.
When you’ve dug into your own work, gone deep, and learned to truly feel what’s there, you’ll start to recognize others who are truly doing the same. You’ll know the buzzwords and the actual wisdom that should go with them. The best part? You’ll be better prepared for real love—with yourself first, and with someone who can genuinely meet you there.
