The Weight of Shame: How It Holds Us Back and How We Can Break Free
Shame is a heavy burden, one that many of us carry without even realizing it. It's a feeling that goes beyond mere embarrassment or guilt—it's a deep, often hidden belief that there is something fundamentally wrong with us. It's this belief that can silently shape our lives, holding us back from achieving our goals, experiencing true intimacy, and feeling genuine pleasure. But what is shame, really? How does it form, how does it get stored in our bodies, and most importantly, how can we begin to let it go?
What Is Shame?
Shame is a painful emotion that arises from a negative self-evaluation. Unlike guilt, which is related to actions ("I did something bad"), shame is linked to self-identity ("I am bad"). This distinction is crucial because while guilt can be constructive, motivating us to change our behavior, shame tends to be destructive, convincing us that change is impossible because we're fundamentally flawed.
In her work "Men, Women, and Worthiness," Brené Brown beautifully distinguishes between shame and embarrassment. Embarrassment is fleeting and usually linked to a specific incident. It's something we can laugh off or move past. Shame, on the other hand, sticks with us. It becomes internalized and can shape our entire sense of self. It tells us that we're not enough— not smart enough, not attractive enough, not worthy enough.
How Shame Forms and Gets Stored in the Body
Shame often starts in childhood. It's formed through messages we receive from our parents, peers, teachers, and society. We learn to feel ashamed of our bodies, our desires, our emotions, and even our needs. Over time, these messages become ingrained in our minds and stored in our bodies.
The body remembers what the mind tries to forget. Trauma and shame often live in our bodies as chronic tension, pain, or numbness. These physical manifestations can lead to a disconnection from our bodies, making it difficult to experience pleasure or even understand what we truly want or need.
The Impact of Shame on Our Lives
Shame shapes us in profound ways. It can make us shrink back from opportunities, avoid intimacy, and settle for less than we deserve in life and relationships. It convinces us that we're not worthy of love, success, or happiness. And because shame is so deeply ingrained, it can be incredibly difficult to recognize and even harder to overcome.
Examples of how shame changes us include:
Self-Sabotage:
When we believe we're not worthy, we might unconsciously sabotage our own success in relationships or careers.
Isolation:
Shame often leads to isolation. We avoid closeness because we fear that if others knew the "real" us, they would reject us.
Perfectionism:
We may strive for perfection to cover up our feelings of inadequacy, but this only reinforces the belief that we're not good enough as we are.
The Path to De-Shamifying Ourselves
Letting go of shame is not easy, but it's possible. And when we do, the rewards are immense. De-shamifying ourselves can open up opportunities in our lives that we never thought possible. It allows us to pursue our dreams, build deeper connections, and experience true joy and pleasure.
Here are some ways that letting go of shame can transform your life:
Greater Intimacy:
When you're not weighed down by shame, you can show up fully in your relationships. You're able to be vulnerable, share your true self, and create deeper, more meaningful connections.
Increased Pleasure:
Shame often keeps us from fully experiencing pleasure, whether it's sexual pleasure or the simple joys of life. When we release shame, we can embrace our desires without judgment and enjoy life to the fullest.
Authenticity:
Letting go of shame allows you to live more authentically. You're no longer trying to fit into someone else's idea of who you should be. Instead, you can be yourself, unapologetically.
Normalizing Pleasure
One of the most powerful ways to combat shame is to normalize the way our bodies feel pleasure and seek it out. Our society often teaches us to feel shame about our desires, particularly sexual ones. But there's nothing wrong with wanting to feel good. Pleasure is a natural and healthy part of being human.
As we begin to de-shamify ourselves, we can start to see our bodies not as sources of shame, but as sources of joy, connection, and pleasure. We can learn to listen to our bodies, honor our desires, and embrace our full humanity.
Breaking Free
Shame may feel like an insurmountable obstacle, but it's not. By understanding what shame is, how it forms, and how it affects us, we can begin to break free from its grip. It's a process that requires compassion, patience, and a willingness to be vulnerable. But the freedom, intimacy, and joy that come from releasing shame are worth every step of the journey.
You don't have to do it alone. If you're ready to start de-shamifying your life, I'm here to help. Together, we can explore the deep roots of shame and begin the process of healing. Let's work on breaking free so you can live a life full of love, connection, and pleasure.
Helping you connect, attune, and feel deeply,
