The Art of Real Emotional Support: What It Actually Looks Like
When I was a doula, one of my most favorite parts of the job was emotionally supporting my clients. Because of the intimate nature of what I did and what they shared with me, I was able to attune and empathize with each one in such a special way. I have realized that most people, as much as they want to, do not know how to emotionally support another person. Most often is it those closest to us that we have the hardest time supporting. Our own emotions get tangled in with the part of us that are supposed to be empathizing and it can get uncomfortable. We want our loved one to stop hurting because it hurts us to feel that with them or to see the hurt on them. Instead of holding space and being there with them, no matter how they feel, we try to fix.
You know that moment when you’re upset, and someone tries to comfort you with, "Don’t cry," or "It’s going to be okay"? Yeah, those phrases are meant to be supportive, but let’s be real—they usually make things worse. And not because the person doesn’t care, but because they don’t actually understand what support looks like.
The truth is, most of us were never taught how to really be there for someone emotionally. We think we’re helping when we offer solutions, try to fix the problem, or explain why something happened. But that’s not support—that’s reassurance for you, not for the person hurting.
Let’s break it down.
What Support Is NOT
"Don’t cry."
"It’s going to be okay."
"Maybe they didn’t see you pull out in front of them."
"Why don’t you try doing this next time?"
These are all well-meaning, but they completely miss the mark. When someone is upset, they’re not looking for a logical breakdown of events or a quick fix. They’re looking for someone to be on their side, to say, I see you, I feel you, I’m here.
Why This Feels So Bad
When you jump into fixing, explaining, or reassuring, here’s what happens for the person who is upset:
They feel like their feelings are wrong or overblown.
They feel like they have to defend why they’re upset.
They feel alone, unheard, and unsupported.
They may stop coming to you for support in the future.
That’s the opposite of connection. That’s emotional disconnection.
What Real Emotional Support Looks Like
So, what do you do instead? Simple—you validate and empathize.
"I can feel how sad this is."
"That feels incredibly frustrating."
"I feel the desperation you’re having."
That’s it. That’s the magic. You don’t need to fix or change anything. You just need to be with them in the feeling.
What Empathy Actually Means
Empathy is not imagining what you would feel in their situation. It’s feeling what they feel in your own body. It’s sitting in their sadness, frustration, or anger with them, instead of trying to move them out of it.
And yes, it’s hard. Because it means you have to be okay with someone you love feeling pain without immediately trying to make it stop. But trust me, this is what makes people feel seen, loved, and safe.
The Golden Rule of Support
Never, ever, ever make promises like:
"It’s going to be okay."
"It will get better soon."
You don’t actually know that. And more importantly, it shifts the focus from feeling their feelings to trying to change them. Your job isn’t to control their emotions—it’s to hold space for them.
Final Thoughts
Emotional support isn’t complicated, but it does take practice. The next time someone you love is upset, try this:
Sit with them.
Feel what they feel.
Validate and empathize.
Resist the urge to fix.
That’s it. That’s all they need. And that’s how you create true connection.
