How to apologize- The Biggest Mistakes People Make When Apologizing
We’ve all been there. Someone says, “I’m sorry,” but something feels… off. It’s flat, forced, or rushed—like a box they’re checking to move on. Maybe you’ve even heard (or said), “Well, I apologized, so why are we still arguing?” Or worse, “You’ve apologized for this before, but nothing ever changes.” Sound familiar?
An apology can only go so far if it isn’t backed by genuine effort. And yet, many of us struggle to apologize in a way that truly heals and reconnects. Let’s unpack the common mistakes and how to shift toward authentic repair in your relationships.
1. Not Expressing Feelings
One of the biggest mistakes is skipping over our feelings entirely. Instead of being open about how they feel, we often default to defending ourselves or explaining why we think we’re “right.” But here’s the truth: feelings are never wrong.
When someone shares that they’re hurt, it’s not about whether you agree with their perspective. Validation isn’t about saying, “You’re right, and I’m wrong.” It’s about saying, “I hear you, and I can see how you feel that way.” This simple act of empathy can transform a heated argument into an opportunity for connection.
2. Avoiding Vulnerability
Another common trap? Focusing on what the other person did instead of vulnerably sharing your own feelings. It’s easy to point fingers—after all, it feels safer than admitting, “I’m hurt,” or “I feel scared.” But here’s the thing: vulnerability invites connection.
When you honestly express how you feel, you give your partner the chance to understand and care for you. If they value the relationship, they won’t weaponize your vulnerability—they’ll validate it. This opens the door to a more productive conversation instead of a defensive spiral.
3. Relying on a Hollow "I’m Sorry"
Saying “I’m sorry” without meaningful action can feel like putting a bandage on a broken bone. It’s no wonder it often leads to, “You’ve apologized before, but nothing changes.”
A real apology goes beyond the words. It starts with owning the fact that you caused hurt. Yes, it’s hard to admit when we’ve messed up—especially when our ego wants to protect us—but taking responsibility is essential. When you acknowledge the impact of your actions, you show your partner that their feelings matter.
4. Forgetting to Share Your Intentions
Admitting you hurt someone doesn’t mean you intended to. While intentions don’t erase the hurt, they do help create understanding. For example:
“I see now how what I said made you feel dismissed. That wasn’t my intention, and I feel disappointed in myself that it came across that way.”
By sharing your intentions, you give your partner context, which can help them feel less attacked. From there, you can both talk about what happened and how it made you feel. This opens the door to mutual validation—a crucial step toward reconnection.
5. Letting Ego Get in the Way
When ego takes the wheel, it turns repair conversations into battlegrounds. Ego says, “I need to win this argument,” or, “If I admit I’m wrong, I’ll lose.” But here’s the truth: ego separates; authenticity connects.
Our authentic selves don’t care about being right—they care about belonging. When we let go of ego, we can approach the conversation with curiosity instead of defensiveness. And when both people feel heard, the argument often resolves itself.
How to Apologize With Heart
If you want to move past surface-level apologies and create true reconnection, try this approach:
Listen First: Ask your partner how they feel—and really listen. Resist the urge to defend yourself.
Validate Their Feelings: Remember, validation isn’t agreement. It’s empathy.
Own Your Impact: Own up to the fact that your actions caused hurt, even if it wasn’t your intention.
Share Your Intentions: Let your partner know what you meant, without making excuses.
Be Vulnerable: Share how you feel and invite your partner to do the same.
Apologies are about repair, not escape. When done well, they deepen trust, foster understanding, and bring you closer to the connection you both crave.
So, the next time you find yourself saying, “I’m sorry,” ask yourself: Am I saying it to escape the conversation, or to reconnect with the person I love?
Need help navigating tough conversations in your relationship? Let’s work together. Whether it’s learning to communicate, connect, or repair, I’m here to help you build the love life you deserve. Reach out today for coaching in Kansas City or virtually!
